Behind The Strenght

I've had many people tell me they don't know how I do it, hold up the fort so often when Derrick deploys. It's so easy for me to say before the deployment begins or in hindsight how "it just comes naturally" or "you do what you've gotta do." It's during the deployments when it's hard to choke out an easy answer and because of that I decided to blog through this deployment. I guess to show that it's not all rainbows and sunshine and even though I appear to be "strong" there are plenty of sad moments, heart ache and times of grief that come with the territory too.

This blog to follow my thoughts usually comes pretty easy, if you are on my Myspace friends list you know I blog often there also. (99% of those blogs are of a different nature) I've learned this past week that even I can get writers block, or maybe it's not that at all. Sometimes emotions can run a little too high, and life can become a little too scary and serious for the words to come out.

Last week was terrifying for me, it was nerve wracking for Derrick's mom and I can't even begin to put myself in Derrick's shoes.

Before this blog goes further, I want it said that Derrick is doing well. He wasn't hurt but has recently gone through some emotionally traumatic events. Being witness to only his anger and frustrations and not the moments, hours and days that followed those events is what made life so emotionally challenging for me. For the first time in the 17 years I've known him, and the 31 that his mom has, neither of us had ever heard him sound the way he did, we'd never heard him speak the way he did, it really shook us, and now he's in a place where we can't e mail, call or text to see that he's alright. Fortunately things seem to be going a little better for Derrick, and in turn for Denise (his mom) and I.

I am not one to typically ask for prayers, it's just not my character, but this past week I've heard things I'd never heard, I've felt things I thought I'd never feel, and I've worried about random people, Americans and Afghani's alike, more then I could have ever imagined. This conflict is taking a great toll on Derrick, greater I feel then any other location he's deployed to has. For that I'm asking for all the thoughts, love and prayers for him, so that he is able to remain strong in the face of barbarism, adversity and hostility; that he has a clear mind and level head through all obstacles he faces.

As out of character it is for me to ask for prayers for someone else, it's even more outlandish for me to ask for them for myself. In this case, I'm humbling myself, I know I have to. I know that I can't do this, not on my own.

I used to think that deployments got easier with numbers. Derrick's first one was tough, the second a little easier. By number three and four I had found my routine and things were smooth. Deployment number five took it's toll and my emotions were frazzled often and now that we're struggling through out sixth I don't know how I've survived this long.

I guess what doesn't kill you truly makes you grow stronger, right?