If you know the song you understand where I'm going with this blog.
For 3 months now the idea of R&R has been dangled before us like a piece of cheese just outside the hamster wheel. About a month after Derrick deployed he called home and gave me the dates he requested and it looked promising. Then it was confirmed. He called and asked me to plan a party and let all our friends know he'd be home soon. Of course there's going to be tons of family time but he wanted to have a day or two with friends too.
I started to plan and even sent out invites, as soon as the RSVPs started rolling in, he called to let me know things had changed. The new dates were pushed to a later day, weeks later. Those new days, should they actually stick would be during the time that Brandon will be on another island for an international adventure camp with Japanese, Indonesian and American students. Clearly a once in a lifetime experience and Derrick told me there was no way I was allowed to pull Brandon from his trip.
I could feel the anxiety setting in. I send out retractions for the party and the explaining began. I've decided not to even try to reschedule around any schedule and good thing, because low and behold, 2 days after his date is pushed back it changes once again. This time in our favor by a few days. If all goes as planned (I am not even counting on it though) he could be home within the next 3 weeks.
This roller coaster ride is so topsy turvy. It's really hot then it's cold, I'm up then I'm down, just like the song. I'll keep everyone posted...
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Friday the 13th aint half bad, sure beat Saturday the 14th
Ya know, just a few hours ago I was commenting another friends blog about how her family enjoys celebrating Friday the 13th in silly ways, they embrace what others fear. Also for them, Valentine's day is just a commercial holiday. They love and show each other that love everyday. (I think I said that right, correct me if I'm wrong Jen). I commented to her how I was on board with her families plan, this year at least.
Friday the 13th for us was a good day, nothing out of the ordinary, cooky or wacky to report but my 14th, it wasn't as good. Don't get me wrong, the boys and I had a good morning but as you'll read, things shifted as the day progressed. Here is my confirmation, Valentine's Day sucked for the Cordova bunch. It could have been a lot worse with differing outcomes, Thank you GOD for watching over us all. Clearly yesterday we needed it.
Yesterday was weird to say the least. I wasn't sure I'd hear from Derrick since I'd only heard from him once in 9 days time. I kept my cell phone on me just in case he'd call. He didn't. I didn't get upset or even worry, I know he is busy. Let me clarify - I worry. I do that every day, but I didn't worry because he didn't call, that's what I meant.
We spent the morning and early afternoon with our neighbors, all-in-all it was a fun day. It was later that was weird. After coming home we decided to run to the BX for a few things. On the way home we had a little (HUGE) encounter where I thought they were going to have to notify next of kin for the three of us. A huge truck lost control on a narrow road and fishtailed all over the place and just before hitting us head on the driver regained control and ended up steering his truck through the crops that lined the road. Two seconds later and I wouldn't be typing now. It took a while for my heart to stop racing, and even longer for my nerves to calm. I had the worst thoughts running through my head as I saw this all happen. Thank God we're all fine, the truck driver too.
So last night Derrick's aunt called to wish us a Happy Valentine's Day and to see how we were doing, Derrick included. She asked me specifically if I'd heard from him and I hadn't, not in at least 4 days but I wasn't worried, I mean I didn't feel worried. When I said that she made a noise. I knew when she did that that she was calling me because of a gut feeling she had. See, she has a sixth sense about family and accidents/injuries and such. I asked her if she felt something and sure enough she did. I attempted to pacify her and told her that we were all fine, that it was the boys and I she had that feeling about and not Derrick. I don't know if that was enough for her, she didn't talk about it beyond that, so I assumed. I still do, I'm going to call her to verify once I'm done with this blog though.
I just got off the phone with Derrick. Through 4 broken calls we were able to talk for about 10 minutes. I told him that his aunt called last night to see how he was because she had a "feeling". That's when he did it - the noise. I got the worst butterflies and asked him to tell me why he did that. He told me to finish my story first so I did. I thought I had pacified his aunt with our near accident but now I'm not so sure. What did I miss, what has happened there?
The past week the weather has been really bad there, and a few days ago they had a blizzard. Of course in conditions like that things were quiet. He told me how it snowed for hours on end all of one day and into the night then it just stopped. The snow stopped falling and the night sky was lit by stars, he said it was so eerie. Then yesterday, after the weather cleared more they were attacked. (just writing this is making my skin crawl) He didn't get into specifics of it, how it started, but they took incoming rounds and returned fire. He said they had a good 30 minute fire fight. I asked if everyone was okay and he said "yes, even the Army." (if you know Derrick you see the comedy in that)
I don't know why I do this each time, but I asked him if he was "effective". That's my happy place code for, well... combat experience. See I can't even say it when I'm trying to. His reply, "I'm always effective Denise."
So with that I left it alone, I told him I was so glad that everyone was okay, to be safe and stay on guard, then reminded him that he has an important date next month that he can't miss.
He says he's good, he doesn't need anything at the moment, by the time it arrives he'll be home on R&R (unless something comes up and delays him) so it wouldn't be worth shipping now anyways. He says he's doing fine, just can't wait to get home.
From his mouth to Gods ears.
(And if you ever wonder why deployed spouses never sleep? This is why.)
Friday the 13th for us was a good day, nothing out of the ordinary, cooky or wacky to report but my 14th, it wasn't as good. Don't get me wrong, the boys and I had a good morning but as you'll read, things shifted as the day progressed. Here is my confirmation, Valentine's Day sucked for the Cordova bunch. It could have been a lot worse with differing outcomes, Thank you GOD for watching over us all. Clearly yesterday we needed it.
Yesterday was weird to say the least. I wasn't sure I'd hear from Derrick since I'd only heard from him once in 9 days time. I kept my cell phone on me just in case he'd call. He didn't. I didn't get upset or even worry, I know he is busy. Let me clarify - I worry. I do that every day, but I didn't worry because he didn't call, that's what I meant.
We spent the morning and early afternoon with our neighbors, all-in-all it was a fun day. It was later that was weird. After coming home we decided to run to the BX for a few things. On the way home we had a little (HUGE) encounter where I thought they were going to have to notify next of kin for the three of us. A huge truck lost control on a narrow road and fishtailed all over the place and just before hitting us head on the driver regained control and ended up steering his truck through the crops that lined the road. Two seconds later and I wouldn't be typing now. It took a while for my heart to stop racing, and even longer for my nerves to calm. I had the worst thoughts running through my head as I saw this all happen. Thank God we're all fine, the truck driver too.
So last night Derrick's aunt called to wish us a Happy Valentine's Day and to see how we were doing, Derrick included. She asked me specifically if I'd heard from him and I hadn't, not in at least 4 days but I wasn't worried, I mean I didn't feel worried. When I said that she made a noise. I knew when she did that that she was calling me because of a gut feeling she had. See, she has a sixth sense about family and accidents/injuries and such. I asked her if she felt something and sure enough she did. I attempted to pacify her and told her that we were all fine, that it was the boys and I she had that feeling about and not Derrick. I don't know if that was enough for her, she didn't talk about it beyond that, so I assumed. I still do, I'm going to call her to verify once I'm done with this blog though.
I just got off the phone with Derrick. Through 4 broken calls we were able to talk for about 10 minutes. I told him that his aunt called last night to see how he was because she had a "feeling". That's when he did it - the noise. I got the worst butterflies and asked him to tell me why he did that. He told me to finish my story first so I did. I thought I had pacified his aunt with our near accident but now I'm not so sure. What did I miss, what has happened there?
The past week the weather has been really bad there, and a few days ago they had a blizzard. Of course in conditions like that things were quiet. He told me how it snowed for hours on end all of one day and into the night then it just stopped. The snow stopped falling and the night sky was lit by stars, he said it was so eerie. Then yesterday, after the weather cleared more they were attacked. (just writing this is making my skin crawl) He didn't get into specifics of it, how it started, but they took incoming rounds and returned fire. He said they had a good 30 minute fire fight. I asked if everyone was okay and he said "yes, even the Army." (if you know Derrick you see the comedy in that)
I don't know why I do this each time, but I asked him if he was "effective". That's my happy place code for, well... combat experience. See I can't even say it when I'm trying to. His reply, "I'm always effective Denise."
So with that I left it alone, I told him I was so glad that everyone was okay, to be safe and stay on guard, then reminded him that he has an important date next month that he can't miss.
He says he's good, he doesn't need anything at the moment, by the time it arrives he'll be home on R&R (unless something comes up and delays him) so it wouldn't be worth shipping now anyways. He says he's doing fine, just can't wait to get home.
From his mouth to Gods ears.
(And if you ever wonder why deployed spouses never sleep? This is why.)
Sunday, February 8, 2009
To recap the past week or so
This past week has seemed like it's drawn on forever. I guess it's been a little longer than a week, that might have something to do with it. My last blog was posted at a time when I probably shouldn't have, I was working on plenty of emotion and not many facts, just an article that didn't positively project Derrick's deployment. Since then I've talked to him and made a few realizations about this.
When I finally talked to Derrick, I think it was 6 days after the last time I'd heard from him, he did his best to reassure me that he was fine. Of course not without stressing me out further first. I told him about the article and how it really had me bothered. He reminded me that the media writes things just to cause a stir and that the things mentioned in the article are things he deals with on a daily basis, this "new heightened threat" is nothing new at all. He is trained and ready for everything. He reassures me that I shouldn't worry. Then he asks me which villages were specifically mentioned. I start to name a few, the first one I mention he says, "Oh no, that's pronounced..." I forget the name of the village right now or I'd tell ya. The second village I mention, he says he was there two days ago. Well that's reassuring.
Okay so it wasn't but getting to hear from him daily for 3 days was. He was at another camp for a class and got stranded due to the weather. The camp he was at had internet, unfiltered at that. Phones were down so that was the only way he was able to communicate with us. He was able to get on Myspace and send the boys messages as well as touch bases with some of our friends. It worked so out so well for me, if I was ever away from my computer, or even if I was laptop in lap, as soon as my friends saw that he was online my phone started ringing. (Thank you all so much for making sure I was able to talk with him as much as possible)
While Derrick enjoyed getting to talk to us often, the connection was so good that one time we were able to turn on the web cam so the boys could wave to daddy and show off some of their silliness, I know that Derrick was going stir crazy with nothing to do. It's hard to not take it personal when all he talks about is getting back to his men (& a more stressful combat environment), but I understand that for him, he is there to get a job done and to stay in that frame of mind he keeps his focus on the mission and ultimately his safety. That said, it still doesn't stop the sting.
By the end of day three of talking to him online my laptop power cord decided it was done. Of course at a time when I am most dependent on it. On top of that our desktop monitor decided to fry also. With only minutes of battery life left I sent a message to Derrick explaining that I wouldn't be able to get online that night, that I loved and missed him. I went to bed so bummed, no pissed that night, only to be woken to the phone at 0130. I woke up the next morning thinking it was all a dream, I hadn't heard his voice in almost 2 weeks by this time. He was calling just to let me know he had hopped a flight and was back at his camp. He made it safe and wouldn't be able to get online again any time soon. I guess it worked out that my computer issues happened when they did. He said he couldn't talk long, he had to brief the Army on some things and then meet up with his Marines and see what he'd missed. I could tell from his voice that he was happy to be back where he belongs..err where he needs to be now. He also mentioned that his l.t. had left already. He was on his way home for 2 weeks of R & R. That means this is now a reality, they are getting some time away! Derrick has signed up for a time frame and been approved but to keeps emotions down we've pretty much kept it between the two of us. This is the military after all. Anything can change in the blink of an eye. The kids don't even know when/if daddy will be home before late this summer.
It's been 4 days since I've heard from him last, but this time around it isn't as stressful. I guess talking to him, him trying to pacify me worked more than I initially thought it would. That and he was able to talk when I felt I needed reassurance most, that icing on the cake.
Aside from everything Derrick, things seems to be going well. Melanie is tackling the second semester of her sophomore year and pretty well from what I'm hearing. She's had to switch up her schedule a few times due to some transcripts errors, that took her out of choir. Now that the mix up and been fixed her classes have been moved and she can't get back into choir. That is killing her, but having the advanced classes is top priority and I think she accepts that. She's adjusting well to Texas and finding her share of cute boys to associate with. Of course that leaves mom and dad just thrilled. ;)
The boys are good, Brandon just made honor roll again. This was the first year/quarter he's ever struggled to get it so we're extra proud of him. At the midway point progress reports came out and he had an F is math. I was beside myself, he's never not been on the honor roll. I talked with him and his teacher and found out what the problem was. (& it's her fault if you ask me) Brandon excels at math so she lets him work ahead. While the class was working on one thing he was already ahead of them working on long division. While he understood the concept he was making an error with the actual division sign. He was miscalculating the first part of it as a 1 and part of the equation rather than the sign that separates the divisors. When he was failing the quizzes, instead of looking at his work and seeing that he was struggling and helping him she let him continue further at his own pace, even when he wasn't getting it. When the progress reports came out he had 4 weeks to bring up his grade. I told him that I understood the struggle, we worked together so he could master the concepts then he went back and worked his tail off. I told Derrick about his F and that he'd probably only be able to bring it up to a C. For the first time ever he wouldn't get honor roll. Derrick told me I needed more faith and he knew Brandon could do it. Sure enough, he did. That F was a B- by the time the quarter ended. Yes, I got the "I told you so" from Derrick, and I was thrilled to get it.
Luke is still a year or two away from actual letter grades, depending on where we go next year but he's doing really well in school too. For such a hyperactive child at home he is really a stellar student at school. I asked his teacher how he's doing with staying focused and moving around the class. She asked me why I would ask. Uhh because this is Luke and each teacher he's had before has commented on how he's boarder line ADHD. She hadn't noticed any of that. He is a well behaved, well mannered, eager learner who is very helpful with helping others. Either she's blind, she's a better teacher than I expected and has corraled him, or he's growing up and calming down. I'll settle for the middle, I'm not ready for him to grow up just yet.
Oh another big thing for Luke, he's been invited to perform in the Black History Month celebration, he and his friend Emily are the only two from his class to be invited. He's so thrilled. He meets twice a week after school to rehearse and will perform 3 times on February 27th. He also was accepted into the math facts club at school. He really wanted the cooking club, but math works for him too. He's really such a good kid and easy to please, both boys are. Brandon is in the middle of his third year of eisa (the Japanese drums) and is gearing up for his performance in March at the Bechtel Elem. Ryukyu Festival. This year will be his last year and the best performance by far. He might even have a special guest here to watch him perform.
Now to me, I generally try to skip this part, I hate talking about myself, especially if it's not the most positive but I guess I need to do that too. A few months ago- almost 6 now I guess, I went to the doc with a complaint that I might be allergic to something I was eating. I was having shortness of breath like my passageway was closing up on me, my heart would race a little and I'd just feel a little off for a while. It never really happened at home so I was thinking it was something I was eating, maybe an additive that was causing this. I talked to my doc, she took my family history then proceeded to run test- heart tests not allergy. After 3 back-to-back EKGs, way to stress a girl out and nothing notable I needed further testing. Later I learned the 3 tests were because the first 2 the leads weren't placed correctly, go figure? So a few weeks later I was feeling like Bill Cosby running on a treadmill with all the bells and whistles attached. That came back pretty normal too. Apparently I am incapable of reaching my target heart rate (I already knew that through stressful intense bouts at the gym) but otherwise all is good in heartland. It was kind of dropped at that point, kind of typical unless you get a rare breed of doctors.
I figured out what it was just the other day and all by myself. I kind of laughed too. Anxiety & stress. It's not so much after I eat that I felt it, but when I was out with the kids, mainly Melanie when we were going through so much turmoil. I was constantly stressed and emotional and constantly (3-4 times a week) trying to figure out what was causing me to lose my breath, feel a tightness in my chest and make me so dizzy. The only reason I was able to figure it out is because of all of this with Derrick, then on top of that some (not so new) medical problems on my end. I have to laugh about it because my background. I should have spotted this a long time ago. I guess when it's happening to yourself you, or I, tend to overlook some of the obvious possibilities.
For the sake of getting this out there and off my chest (in hopes of maintaining sanity) for years I've stressed over my annual exams, not because I dread them. I don't care for them but I go religiously, but because my family history works for me, and in this case it's not a good thing. It seems every other year my pap results come back abnormal and I have to go in for a follow up within a few months, each time it's been cleared and back to routine. In the three years (3 exams) I've been here 2 have been abnormal. The first year and now this year. The difference is in year one a follow up was made and came back clear, this one is a little different. It came back abnormal but a follow up pap isn't being scheduled Instead this time around a colposcopy will be done (next month). I've done some research and talked to a few friends who've had it done. In both cases at minimum precancerous cells have been noted, in one the beginning stages of uterine cancer. :( At this stage in the game I just want to tell them to give me a hysterectomy to be preventative at least, but that's just irrational, right?
Times like these I wish my mother knew her mothers medical history a little better. I know female (gynecological) cancers run in my family, but I'd like the specifics of what types. I guess some times we're just not that fortunate. In any case, I've had a few days of being really really stressed out and in those moments the *anxiety* reared it's head again and it clicked, A-ha. After a few really stressful and depressed days I realized that life is going to happen, good and bad and all I can do is live it. Being depressed and worried about things I can't change (yet) is only going to take away from my time.
This news came to me the last day Derrick was at the other camp, we were able to talk once after I received the news. He reassured me that we knew this, or something like this was going to happen, and it'll be okay, not to stress, to relax and make some time for myself. All things I know, but being able to hear it from him really makes a world of difference.
So I'm running with that now. I'm sure I'll have more days where I worry more than I'm productive but for the most part I think my crazy optimism is going to prevail. Either way, I'll be sure to update.
When I finally talked to Derrick, I think it was 6 days after the last time I'd heard from him, he did his best to reassure me that he was fine. Of course not without stressing me out further first. I told him about the article and how it really had me bothered. He reminded me that the media writes things just to cause a stir and that the things mentioned in the article are things he deals with on a daily basis, this "new heightened threat" is nothing new at all. He is trained and ready for everything. He reassures me that I shouldn't worry. Then he asks me which villages were specifically mentioned. I start to name a few, the first one I mention he says, "Oh no, that's pronounced..." I forget the name of the village right now or I'd tell ya. The second village I mention, he says he was there two days ago. Well that's reassuring.
Okay so it wasn't but getting to hear from him daily for 3 days was. He was at another camp for a class and got stranded due to the weather. The camp he was at had internet, unfiltered at that. Phones were down so that was the only way he was able to communicate with us. He was able to get on Myspace and send the boys messages as well as touch bases with some of our friends. It worked so out so well for me, if I was ever away from my computer, or even if I was laptop in lap, as soon as my friends saw that he was online my phone started ringing. (Thank you all so much for making sure I was able to talk with him as much as possible)
While Derrick enjoyed getting to talk to us often, the connection was so good that one time we were able to turn on the web cam so the boys could wave to daddy and show off some of their silliness, I know that Derrick was going stir crazy with nothing to do. It's hard to not take it personal when all he talks about is getting back to his men (& a more stressful combat environment), but I understand that for him, he is there to get a job done and to stay in that frame of mind he keeps his focus on the mission and ultimately his safety. That said, it still doesn't stop the sting.
By the end of day three of talking to him online my laptop power cord decided it was done. Of course at a time when I am most dependent on it. On top of that our desktop monitor decided to fry also. With only minutes of battery life left I sent a message to Derrick explaining that I wouldn't be able to get online that night, that I loved and missed him. I went to bed so bummed, no pissed that night, only to be woken to the phone at 0130. I woke up the next morning thinking it was all a dream, I hadn't heard his voice in almost 2 weeks by this time. He was calling just to let me know he had hopped a flight and was back at his camp. He made it safe and wouldn't be able to get online again any time soon. I guess it worked out that my computer issues happened when they did. He said he couldn't talk long, he had to brief the Army on some things and then meet up with his Marines and see what he'd missed. I could tell from his voice that he was happy to be back where he belongs..err where he needs to be now. He also mentioned that his l.t. had left already. He was on his way home for 2 weeks of R & R. That means this is now a reality, they are getting some time away! Derrick has signed up for a time frame and been approved but to keeps emotions down we've pretty much kept it between the two of us. This is the military after all. Anything can change in the blink of an eye. The kids don't even know when/if daddy will be home before late this summer.
It's been 4 days since I've heard from him last, but this time around it isn't as stressful. I guess talking to him, him trying to pacify me worked more than I initially thought it would. That and he was able to talk when I felt I needed reassurance most, that icing on the cake.
Aside from everything Derrick, things seems to be going well. Melanie is tackling the second semester of her sophomore year and pretty well from what I'm hearing. She's had to switch up her schedule a few times due to some transcripts errors, that took her out of choir. Now that the mix up and been fixed her classes have been moved and she can't get back into choir. That is killing her, but having the advanced classes is top priority and I think she accepts that. She's adjusting well to Texas and finding her share of cute boys to associate with. Of course that leaves mom and dad just thrilled. ;)
The boys are good, Brandon just made honor roll again. This was the first year/quarter he's ever struggled to get it so we're extra proud of him. At the midway point progress reports came out and he had an F is math. I was beside myself, he's never not been on the honor roll. I talked with him and his teacher and found out what the problem was. (& it's her fault if you ask me) Brandon excels at math so she lets him work ahead. While the class was working on one thing he was already ahead of them working on long division. While he understood the concept he was making an error with the actual division sign. He was miscalculating the first part of it as a 1 and part of the equation rather than the sign that separates the divisors. When he was failing the quizzes, instead of looking at his work and seeing that he was struggling and helping him she let him continue further at his own pace, even when he wasn't getting it. When the progress reports came out he had 4 weeks to bring up his grade. I told him that I understood the struggle, we worked together so he could master the concepts then he went back and worked his tail off. I told Derrick about his F and that he'd probably only be able to bring it up to a C. For the first time ever he wouldn't get honor roll. Derrick told me I needed more faith and he knew Brandon could do it. Sure enough, he did. That F was a B- by the time the quarter ended. Yes, I got the "I told you so" from Derrick, and I was thrilled to get it.
Luke is still a year or two away from actual letter grades, depending on where we go next year but he's doing really well in school too. For such a hyperactive child at home he is really a stellar student at school. I asked his teacher how he's doing with staying focused and moving around the class. She asked me why I would ask. Uhh because this is Luke and each teacher he's had before has commented on how he's boarder line ADHD. She hadn't noticed any of that. He is a well behaved, well mannered, eager learner who is very helpful with helping others. Either she's blind, she's a better teacher than I expected and has corraled him, or he's growing up and calming down. I'll settle for the middle, I'm not ready for him to grow up just yet.
Oh another big thing for Luke, he's been invited to perform in the Black History Month celebration, he and his friend Emily are the only two from his class to be invited. He's so thrilled. He meets twice a week after school to rehearse and will perform 3 times on February 27th. He also was accepted into the math facts club at school. He really wanted the cooking club, but math works for him too. He's really such a good kid and easy to please, both boys are. Brandon is in the middle of his third year of eisa (the Japanese drums) and is gearing up for his performance in March at the Bechtel Elem. Ryukyu Festival. This year will be his last year and the best performance by far. He might even have a special guest here to watch him perform.
Now to me, I generally try to skip this part, I hate talking about myself, especially if it's not the most positive but I guess I need to do that too. A few months ago- almost 6 now I guess, I went to the doc with a complaint that I might be allergic to something I was eating. I was having shortness of breath like my passageway was closing up on me, my heart would race a little and I'd just feel a little off for a while. It never really happened at home so I was thinking it was something I was eating, maybe an additive that was causing this. I talked to my doc, she took my family history then proceeded to run test- heart tests not allergy. After 3 back-to-back EKGs, way to stress a girl out and nothing notable I needed further testing. Later I learned the 3 tests were because the first 2 the leads weren't placed correctly, go figure? So a few weeks later I was feeling like Bill Cosby running on a treadmill with all the bells and whistles attached. That came back pretty normal too. Apparently I am incapable of reaching my target heart rate (I already knew that through stressful intense bouts at the gym) but otherwise all is good in heartland. It was kind of dropped at that point, kind of typical unless you get a rare breed of doctors.
I figured out what it was just the other day and all by myself. I kind of laughed too. Anxiety & stress. It's not so much after I eat that I felt it, but when I was out with the kids, mainly Melanie when we were going through so much turmoil. I was constantly stressed and emotional and constantly (3-4 times a week) trying to figure out what was causing me to lose my breath, feel a tightness in my chest and make me so dizzy. The only reason I was able to figure it out is because of all of this with Derrick, then on top of that some (not so new) medical problems on my end. I have to laugh about it because my background. I should have spotted this a long time ago. I guess when it's happening to yourself you, or I, tend to overlook some of the obvious possibilities.
For the sake of getting this out there and off my chest (in hopes of maintaining sanity) for years I've stressed over my annual exams, not because I dread them. I don't care for them but I go religiously, but because my family history works for me, and in this case it's not a good thing. It seems every other year my pap results come back abnormal and I have to go in for a follow up within a few months, each time it's been cleared and back to routine. In the three years (3 exams) I've been here 2 have been abnormal. The first year and now this year. The difference is in year one a follow up was made and came back clear, this one is a little different. It came back abnormal but a follow up pap isn't being scheduled Instead this time around a colposcopy will be done (next month). I've done some research and talked to a few friends who've had it done. In both cases at minimum precancerous cells have been noted, in one the beginning stages of uterine cancer. :( At this stage in the game I just want to tell them to give me a hysterectomy to be preventative at least, but that's just irrational, right?
Times like these I wish my mother knew her mothers medical history a little better. I know female (gynecological) cancers run in my family, but I'd like the specifics of what types. I guess some times we're just not that fortunate. In any case, I've had a few days of being really really stressed out and in those moments the *anxiety* reared it's head again and it clicked, A-ha. After a few really stressful and depressed days I realized that life is going to happen, good and bad and all I can do is live it. Being depressed and worried about things I can't change (yet) is only going to take away from my time.
This news came to me the last day Derrick was at the other camp, we were able to talk once after I received the news. He reassured me that we knew this, or something like this was going to happen, and it'll be okay, not to stress, to relax and make some time for myself. All things I know, but being able to hear it from him really makes a world of difference.
So I'm running with that now. I'm sure I'll have more days where I worry more than I'm productive but for the most part I think my crazy optimism is going to prevail. Either way, I'll be sure to update.
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