normal is relative

This is not my normal deployment blog, more of an update on what's going on with me. Before I start all of that though, things are going well here at home. We've had Derrick here just over a week and unfortunately we only have him for another 6 days before he starts his trek back to Afghanistan. We've been able to spend quite a bit of quality time with friends and of course plenty of time just the 4 of us. We miss Melanie tremendously. All the time, but now it seems even more. Derrick is making sure to call her often while he can and it seems like they're both loving it. This R&R feels like such a blessing right now. I know in a week I'll find the curses it left us with, the separation issues, sleepless nights once again and the anxiety that goes with the territory of having him in a combat zone once again. It doesn't help that I sat in on a meeting with his Colonel talking about the specifics of his location. Some things are best left unknown until he's home for good. I'm a tough cookie though, I convince myself I want to know these things, and I'll manage alright even knowing all I know now.
I'll manage because I'm tough, but also because I have to. There is plenty going on in Afghanistan, but there is also plenty going on right here in Okinawa with me. I hate to say I've anticipated these results, but for the past two to three years I've known they were coming. I had my first abnormal pap shortly after we arrived here. I had a follow up and was cleared. 'Possibly just a mix up at the lab, or maybe just some slight abnormality.' The following year everything checked out just fine as well. This time around I wasn't as fortunate, the difference was how it was handled. Two years ago it was just a please repeat the procedure, this time around it was straight to diagnosis procedures.
About a month ago I went in for a colposcopy and possibly biopsy. My doctor was great. I guess it helps that she knows me and the kids really well. Most specifically Melanie, through the procedure she kept the conversation on light humorous things about Melanie and teenagers in general. There was only one awkward moment. She stopped mid sentence and said to the nurse, "okay, I'm going to take two, one at one o'clock and anther at five." She resumed her previous thought then explained that she was taking two samples for biopsy. The rest of the time I tried to keep it light as well, I let my mind wander a little. Is it my 1 o'clock or her 1 o'clock? I never really knew a cervix could tell time. How precise or accurate is it really?
I left the clinic with a ballpark time frame of one to two weeks for results. I waited until the two weeks expired before I even tried to call. The next day I was told it could take about 3 weeks so give it one more. At 3 weeks and a day I called back and was given a little more run around. (anyone on Okinawa, if you have biopsies done they are sent to San Diego [Balboa] for testing- & now you know) It took exactly four weeks for results and they came via a phone call.
When I talked to my mom this afternoon I told her my doc called which means it could always be worse. I wasn't asked to come in to talk with her. :) The biopsy results are not terrible but they're not what I'd like them to be. Both came back with abnormal cells but one came back as 'a high grade lesion that is not yet cancer.' She reiterated over and over that precancerous cells are not cancer and don't have to become cancer. I'm kind of glad it took a little longer for the results, that gave some time for Derrick to get home. He was sitting a few feet away when she called. Her suggested course of treatment is a LEEP procedure. I've done some research and I don't like anything really about it, but I guess I'm going to do what has to be done.
While I had my doctor on the phone I asked her about skipping this procedure and just opting for a hysterectomy. Not to be extreme or hasty but to be proactive, my maternal grandmother had one at the age of 28 and my mother was 28 when she had her first pre-cancer diagnosis, it took a little longer for her hysterectomy but she also required having one. I'm 31, and clearly this is either one wild coincidence or genetics are doing their job. In any case, my doc told me that she wouldn't recommend the procedure for me, but I could talk to the gynecologist to see what he thinks. Her biggest reason was my age and the idea that I might want to have children later, that I have so many viable child bearing years left. (I had to remind her she knows my kids. I'm teasing, sheesh.) I was okay with this until I did research on the procedure she is recommending. I have yet to find one resource that doesn't include an extreme high risk for pregnancy and fetal problems for pregnancies post LEEP, I'm talking 70-85% greater risk.
My question is, assuming I wanted another child, why am I going to try and have another one knowing that there is a 70% chance I can't carry to term and an 85% chance that it will have a low birth weight? Seriously, Derrick had a vasectomy for a reason, we don't want anymore. Why not cut out a huge risk of cancer by removing all the cancer prone areas. If we decide to have a child at a later date (I can't imagine, but if so) then we'll adopt. The other thing I forgot to mention was the fact that my doc told me I would probably have to come back in a few more times over the years to remove precancerous cells and a hysterectomy will probably be the end result, but later. The logic makes no sense, but I guess I'm on board for the time being.
I have an appointment later this month for the procedure, I am debating either meeting with that doc beforehand or rescheduling the procedure and using that appointment time to discuss my options a little further. Either way, by the end of April I hope to know a little more about my options and my pre-cancer-free self.
Until then, I'll remain my overly optimistic self and will update on other 'normal' blog worthy things. :)